My anxiety is killing me

My anxiety is killing me. My anxiety is making me feel like I’m being pulled down by a weight that I can not bare and as though the whole world is tormenting me. I feel broken inside and I want everyday to come to an end so I crawl back in side my bed to hide away. I want to be alone. Away from heart ache, away from negative poisonous thoughts. I am becoming a toxic person. A person nobody wants around. I’m being consumed by pain and worry and I’m lost in a place that I can not escape. I’m taking my anxiety out on the people that mean the most to me and I’m killing myself a little everyday. I want to run away. I want it all just to go away. I want to be me again.

For you ❤️

Tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow you will wake up stronger. You will wake up happier, more courageous.

You will wake up and yesterday is gone and that feeling you felt then has passed.

Yesterday is forgotten. Yesterday is a memory and one that will fade.

Now is beautiful. Now take a look around you and cherish the moment. Now realise how present you are. Notice the smiles and the laughter. Notice everything that is good. Today is living. Today will be what you make it. So make it count. You are perfect, you are strong, you are what you are, and that is amazing.

Paving the way

Some days you wake up and nothing makes sense. Everything you thought you knew is different now and questions are all you have. I’ve been experiencing a stage in my life where everything seems to have changed. I thought I had it all set out and my plan was written out for me. The more this year goes on the more I realise that it’s not set out for you. You have to make your own path. You everyday have to pick up those paving stones and place them exactly where you think they should go. No one can do that for you. People can tell you where you should place them. But ultimately you have to make those decisions. Sometimes it will be really hard to put it down and you will be so confused, and sometimes the burden of carrying all of the slabs will start to weigh you down and make you feel weak. But remember you are stronger than you know and you can do whatever you set your mind to.

What is for the best

What is for the best is a question I ask myself everyday. What is the best question for me to ask? What is the best answer I can give? How is that action going to affect my future self? How can I ensure that everything is perfect all of the time? Well the truth is it can’t be. If you never make a mistake you will never learn. You will never become a better version of yourself.

We have to make mistakes to shape who we are and how we cope with new situations that arise. Not everyday can be a bright one. Not every feeling can be a good one. We have to feel sad, angry, guilty and frustrated in order to appreciate the feelings of happiness and contentment.

Going through depression is so hard and everyday is a battle, but not everyday is bad. Not everyday do I wake up feeling like a zombie, walking around numb. Some days I feel elated and confident. If I didn’t have them days of feeling like I just want to run away and hide then I wouldn’t understand and value the days of joy with my friends and family. The good days.

So don’t be so hard on yourself, live in the present and understand you are only human. You are you and sometimes you are sad and that’s okay. Love everyday because everyday is a lesson, it is all part of your story. So smile through the tears and dance in the rain. Life is not always simple.

Have a good week ❤️

Who am I?

I’m having an identity crisis. Who am I? What do I want? Where is my life heading? I was in relationship after relationship and now I am on my own again and I don’t know who I am.

I know I am loving, caring and kind. I know I love to make people laugh and I have compassion and courage. However when I look in the mirror I’m confused. Who is this person staring back at me.

I feel like my confidence and happiness is at an all time high but is that because I am trying to mask the person I see or am I actually becoming me.

My whole life has been dominated by anxiety and depression. It has always been a major factor in my life. Only recently I realised the person I had been for all of those years was completely broken and the thoughts that controlled me were not always the truth.

Now looking at myself I see a person that I hope to become, but I still have a long way to go. One day I will be strong again and I pray that I recognise myself again.

I am so grateful to everyone that supports me in my life and is helping me to become unapologetically me again. Xxxxx

Trying to cope with negative thoughts.

This subject is one that is really hard for me to talk about because recently I was in the darkest place that I have ever been. I had hit rock bottom and I couldn’t see a way out. I thought daily about ways that I could just end the pain that I felt so deeply inside myself. Each day I would drive to work and wonder what would happen if I just drove straight into a tree would anybody care? Would anybody understand why? Does anybody recognise that I am broken?

I felt as though I was alone and I had no one to speak to. I felt as though no one would understand why I was hurting and that they would think I was a joke. I was terrified and I had held it together for as long as I could but the cracks were starting to show. Until one day I broke completely I sat there at work crying, uncontrollable tears running down my face. I couldn’t stop as hard as I tried, my body needed to cry and break down, it was like my body was forcing me to cry for help.

I ended up being signed off for 2 weeks and being put on antidepressants and anxiety medication which has been the best decision I could have ever made. I feel like I’m getting back to my old self and I feel happier again. My family and friends supported me so much and everyone said that they were concerned about me. When I look back now I realise that my friends and family were asking ‘how are you?’ ‘Everything alright?’ daily and I would put on a false smile and lie straight through my teeth. I also learnt that not everyone will understand and that’s okay.

I recently went away with my friends for the weekend after a bad breakup I decided that I needed a break. We spent the weekend in Centre Parcs and just being away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life made everything feel better. A weekend of laughs and good company can help to cleanse anyone’s soul. I also made best friends with my friends 2 year old and I tell you what kids make you feel like you are the coolest person in the world.

I used to believe that I didn’t have a guardian angel, that no one was watching over me and guiding me in the right direction and that I was a lost cause wondering the earth without a purpose. But now I realise that your guardian angels can be in the form of anyone or anything. They could be your best friend, or your dog they’re is always someone that is watching over you and they are your guide. Mine I honestly believe is my best friend, she never fails to guide me and help me back to my feet every time I fall. I will be forever grateful to her.

Dealing with anxiety and depression is a constant battle but there are ways to deal and cope with it. It is not a bad thing to be broken or hurt, it’s a bad thing if you let it carry on and consume you. If you feel that it is ever getting to much you can always call a helpline I have listed some below or alternatively visit a doctor, or just speak to a friend:

Samaritans – for everyone 
Call 116 123 

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men 
Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day 
Visit the webchat page

Papyrus – for people under 35 
Call 0800 068 41 41 – Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm 
Text 07786 209697 

Childline – for children and young people under 19 
Call 0800 1111 – the number won’t show up on your phone bill

The Silver Line – for older people 
Call 0800 4 70 80 90

To my best friend

Friends can make everyday seem like the clouds have passed and everything is better! So here is a letter to my best friend:

To my best friend, without you being me wouldn’t be any fun! You can make the bad days bright and the bright days the best days!

You hold my hand when I cry and give me truths that only you can say without me crying even more! You make the sad things funny and help me with the same problem countless amounts of times!

You make spending days in my pjs into den building, pizza eating, Christmas film watching adventures!

You’ve made my life the best story I could ever tell, and you’ve given me memories that I will treasure for a life time. You are my soulmate no man will ever compare! (As much as I would love a man to come and sweep me off my feet)! Haha!

So let’s grow old, making memories, drinking our sorrows away!, singing at the top of our lungs to all our favourite songs! Watching Disney films till we die!

Love you your bestie xxxx

Everyone write a letter to your best friends just to tell them just how much you love them! Always spread positivity and kindness!