This subject is one that is really hard for me to talk about because recently I was in the darkest place that I have ever been. I had hit rock bottom and I couldn’t see a way out. I thought daily about ways that I could just end the pain that I felt so deeply inside myself. Each day I would drive to work and wonder what would happen if I just drove straight into a tree would anybody care? Would anybody understand why? Does anybody recognise that I am broken?
I felt as though I was alone and I had no one to speak to. I felt as though no one would understand why I was hurting and that they would think I was a joke. I was terrified and I had held it together for as long as I could but the cracks were starting to show. Until one day I broke completely I sat there at work crying, uncontrollable tears running down my face. I couldn’t stop as hard as I tried, my body needed to cry and break down, it was like my body was forcing me to cry for help.
I ended up being signed off for 2 weeks and being put on antidepressants and anxiety medication which has been the best decision I could have ever made. I feel like I’m getting back to my old self and I feel happier again. My family and friends supported me so much and everyone said that they were concerned about me. When I look back now I realise that my friends and family were asking ‘how are you?’ ‘Everything alright?’ daily and I would put on a false smile and lie straight through my teeth. I also learnt that not everyone will understand and that’s okay.
I recently went away with my friends for the weekend after a bad breakup I decided that I needed a break. We spent the weekend in Centre Parcs and just being away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life made everything feel better. A weekend of laughs and good company can help to cleanse anyone’s soul. I also made best friends with my friends 2 year old and I tell you what kids make you feel like you are the coolest person in the world.
I used to believe that I didn’t have a guardian angel, that no one was watching over me and guiding me in the right direction and that I was a lost cause wondering the earth without a purpose. But now I realise that your guardian angels can be in the form of anyone or anything. They could be your best friend, or your dog they’re is always someone that is watching over you and they are your guide. Mine I honestly believe is my best friend, she never fails to guide me and help me back to my feet every time I fall. I will be forever grateful to her.
Dealing with anxiety and depression is a constant battle but there are ways to deal and cope with it. It is not a bad thing to be broken or hurt, it’s a bad thing if you let it carry on and consume you. If you feel that it is ever getting to much you can always call a helpline I have listed some below or alternatively visit a doctor, or just speak to a friend:
Samaritans – for everyone
Call 116 123
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men
Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day
Visit the webchat page
Childline – for children and young people under 19
Call 0800 1111 – the number won’t show up on your phone bill
The Silver Line – for older people
Call 0800 4 70 80 90