From under the sheets where I lay and hide, where tears soak my pillow and despair is my friend. I lift my head and I see light again. I hid for a long time behind self pity and all the broken pieces that were scattered behind ever step I took, like a path leading me straight back to the darkness. I held a smile as a false sense of security. If I smile they will believe me. My lies of a beautiful life will not be uncovered and everything in my head will not be projected to the jury. I will only let them judge what I allow to be shown.
You can understand if I tell you a version of myself that I know compliments your weaknesses. You too hide your broken pieces in your pocket, you use them as a tool to keep the darkness from destroying you. They don’t have to see. They don’t have to be there. There job is for you to love them so why can’t you see that? Why do you seek validation? Why do you break promises? And why? Why do you hurt those that are there to help?
Because, because life is easier beneath a blanket, life doesn’t hurt so bad. That pillow that you cry to, it doesn’t have an opinion it can’t tell you what’s right or wrong. It still hurts though right? Being alone. Do you miss the laughter? How about that feeling of watching the sun rise and new beginnings? Does it ever cross your mind that maybe the darkness isn’t a friend or an enemy, it’s a place where all of the bad hides. It is a temporary void until the sun rises again. And a new day brings new opportunities.
I hugged you. One last good bye as tears streamed down my face. Every word I spoke was from the deepest place I had ever felt. I begged. I silently prayed that you would give me one last chance. But I knew this was the end. I told you all of those feelings. The feelings and words you hadn’t been ready for. But now as you listened I knew you understood. I knew you was doing it to protect me. I know just as much as I didn’t want to lose you. You didn’t want to lose me either. You wanted me. You loved me the same way. Love with us was always easy but also the hardest challenge we have ever faced. Loving you taught me to be selfless and understanding. It taught me a pain I’d never felt before. You was my everything and I knew I was yours. I knew you leaving was the hardest decision you’d ever make. You love me. It was never a lack of love. It was just two broken people trying to pick up the pieces. I’m sorry I was broken. I’m sorry you had to hurt because I could cope. I should have never put my pain onto you. I love you. I have and I always will. Forever till I die. I will always be there. I’m sorry.
Growing up I felt different, like I didn’t belong. I always felt out of place. I craved badly attention and validation from others. I was bullied and I was told I wasn’t good enough. I used to spend my lunch breaks walking around the school playground alone, wishing just one person would be my friend. As I got older my school life got easier and I gained friends, that I still talk to now. But as a child I hated school. I couldn’t wait for the school bell to ring so that I could go home.
When I started secondary school I became friends with a group of girls, that were very bitchy but because I was popular I didn’t care. That’s all I wanted. I just wanted people to like me. They would say mean comments about me and make me feel unwanted, they were just plain nasty, but I continued to speak to them because what other option did I have? I couldn’t bare to be alone again! One day a huge argument broke out and I ended up alone again. With no friends. One girl that I am still best friends with now girl took me under her wing. And we was best friends throughout school. At this time in my life is when I believe I became extremely depressed.
Home life was very hard. I was awful to live with and I would scream and shout and get angry. I would make people hate me. None of my family trusted me. They all believed that I would end up in jail or worse dead. For the majority of my teenage years I was troubled and I would cause havoc in my family. But deep down all I wanted was to be loved. For someone to give me a hug and tell me it would all be okay. One day I can remember sitting in my room and crying and praying for answers. Wishing that I was someone new. That I didn’t exist and that I could just be happy.
Eventually I lifted my head above the clouds and I was part of an amazing friendship group. Who I still talk to now. I was the silly, funny one always trying to make people laugh. But deep down I was still hurting I was still sad and attended therapy throughout my school years to try and unfold the answers that I so desperately needed. Why was I like this?
Into my adult years I met some amazing people and people that I want to spend the rest of my life making memories with. People that have supported me and been there through called off engagements and heartbreaks. To the friends that stuck around through my panic attack and depression I love you so dearly. Each day you look out for me and make everything better.
Over the past 4 years I have suffered from extreme bouts of depression where I was unable to leave the house. Crying for hours upon hours. Questioning my whole life. But I never saw a doctor because I didn’t believe in tablets! I thought it would be a waste of time! But then one day I decided enough was enough I was at rock bottom and I couldn’t see any way out. So I booked my self an appointment and went to the doctors. The tablets have helped me to a point where I’ve been able to see the light again and have a positive, happier mind.
At the moment I am struggling badly with my anxiety and it causes me to take it out on those closest to me. But i will get through this! Anyone can do it. You just have to be strong enough to believe in yourself. The moral of the story is. Life can be rough. My life was filled with love and laughter and people that really did want me around but I was blinkered. I didn’t want to see because anxiety and depression make you think things that aren’t true. They over analyse and they cause you grief. Remember that your anxiety and depression is not you. You are your own person. You have a mind that is so much stronger. You just have to make a stand and remember you are in control of you.
I have a kind heart, I would do anything for anyone but I am selfish. I put my feelings above yours because I can’t deal with mine. I expect you to understand me, yet I make no effort to understand you. You tell me your feelings and all I care about is my own. To everyone else I am selfless, to everyone else I give my all. But to you I expect unconditional constant love and gratitude. I expect everything from one person. And for that I hate myself. I look in the mirror and I see a toxic person. But would you believe me if I said I do it because I love you. More than my own life. Would you believe that I am trying to save a relationship and that everything I am doing is with the purest intentions. Would you believe me if I told you that when I shout or argue my main objective is to be happy? I push everyone away. I always have. Im clutching at hope and I pray for you everyday. You know that. I pray for your happiness. I pray for your understanding. I pray for you to be healthy and happy and cared for. I pray that you grow each day into a stronger person. I pray for every part of your pain to go away. I wish I could take it all away. I hate myself for causing you more pain. I really do hate myself.
My anxiety is killing me. My anxiety is making me feel like I’m being pulled down by a weight that I can not bare and as though the whole world is tormenting me. I feel broken inside and I want everyday to come to an end so I crawl back in side my bed to hide away. I want to be alone. Away from heart ache, away from negative poisonous thoughts. I am becoming a toxic person. A person nobody wants around. I’m being consumed by pain and worry and I’m lost in a place that I can not escape. I’m taking my anxiety out on the people that mean the most to me and I’m killing myself a little everyday. I want to run away. I want it all just to go away. I want to be me again.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow you will wake up stronger. You will wake up happier, more courageous.
You will wake up and yesterday is gone and that feeling you felt then has passed.
Yesterday is forgotten. Yesterday is a memory and one that will fade.
Now is beautiful. Now take a look around you and cherish the moment. Now realise how present you are. Notice the smiles and the laughter. Notice everything that is good. Today is living. Today will be what you make it. So make it count. You are perfect, you are strong, you are what you are, and that is amazing.
Some days you wake up and nothing makes sense. Everything you thought you knew is different now and questions are all you have. I’ve been experiencing a stage in my life where everything seems to have changed. I thought I had it all set out and my plan was written out for me. The more this year goes on the more I realise that it’s not set out for you. You have to make your own path. You everyday have to pick up those paving stones and place them exactly where you think they should go. No one can do that for you. People can tell you where you should place them. But ultimately you have to make those decisions. Sometimes it will be really hard to put it down and you will be so confused, and sometimes the burden of carrying all of the slabs will start to weigh you down and make you feel weak. But remember you are stronger than you know and you can do whatever you set your mind to.