There has always been something that makes me want to keep hold of you that weird feeling of compassion, hate and love all rubbed together to make the deadliest paste; the type that would makes your eyes weep and give you sleepless nights haunting you until you find that inner strength that brings you out of the  darkness. I often dream of the life that I could live without you, a life without the screams in the night, you give me hope and terror for days you keep me in a beautiful nightmare and offer me the worst kind of special days, as I cry in the tub with the ringing of memories shouting in my ears. I imagine how I could run away and start a fresh without you, without your perfect truths and deadly lies.
I remember our first date we were at my house and you took my hand you grabbed me pulled me close and whispered in my ear that you would stay with me forever and keep me safe. I believed you.

The next time I saw you we were visiting friends when you grabbed me and told me we had to go, you didn’t like the honesty that my friends gave me, you felt uncomfortable and scared and ran away I chased you and then we never saw my friends again. We spent endless days inside only seeing my family. We could enjoy ourselves for a few weeks until one day we couldn’t get out of bed we wept and screamed, we hid and ignored the world it was the most intense beautifully confused feeling. I laid there every day until one day I ran away I left you. I saw a friend they hugged me and took me far away, I ran with them for a long time. I kept my feelings for you hidden nobody knew the want, the need to climb back into the bed back with you. I felt you everywhere I went but I knew I could never go back to you, you were my poison, you were deadly, and this had to be the end. I will never forget you.

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