Coming out of the darkness

From under the sheets where I lay and hide, where tears soak my pillow and despair is my friend. I lift my head and I see light again. I hid for a long time behind self pity and all the broken pieces that were scattered behind ever step I took, like a path leading me straight back to the darkness. I held a smile as a false sense of security. If I smile they will believe me. My lies of a beautiful life will not be uncovered and everything in my head will not be projected to the jury. I will only let them judge what I allow to be shown.

You can understand if I tell you a version of myself that I know compliments your weaknesses. You too hide your broken pieces in your pocket, you use them as a tool to keep the darkness from destroying you. They don’t have to see. They don’t have to be there. There job is for you to love them so why can’t you see that? Why do you seek validation? Why do you break promises? And why? Why do you hurt those that are there to help?

Because, because life is easier beneath a blanket, life doesn’t hurt so bad. That pillow that you cry to, it doesn’t have an opinion it can’t tell you what’s right or wrong. It still hurts though right? Being alone. Do you miss the laughter? How about that feeling of watching the sun rise and new beginnings? Does it ever cross your mind that maybe the darkness isn’t a friend or an enemy, it’s a place where all of the bad hides. It is a temporary void until the sun rises again. And a new day brings new opportunities.

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I hugged you. One last good bye as tears streamed down my face. Every word I spoke was from the deepest place I had ever felt. I begged. I silently prayed that you would give me one last chance. But I knew this was the end. I told you all of those feelings. The feelings and words you hadn’t been ready for. But now as you listened I knew you understood. I knew you was doing it to protect me. I know just as much as I didn’t want to lose you. You didn’t want to lose me either. You wanted me. You loved me the same way. Love with us was always easy but also the hardest challenge we have ever faced. Loving you taught me to be selfless and understanding. It taught me a pain I’d never felt before. You was my everything and I knew I was yours. I knew you leaving was the hardest decision you’d ever make. You love me. It was never a lack of love. It was just two broken people trying to pick up the pieces. I’m sorry I was broken. I’m sorry you had to hurt because I could cope. I should have never put my pain onto you. I love you. I have and I always will. Forever till I die. I will always be there. I’m sorry.