As I sat and felt the pounding of my heart and the ringing in my ears. Whilst you sit there chit chatting about all of the improvements that you are making to your wonderful life. I’m quietly losing my mind. My breath is quickening because I’m struggling for oxygen, and my chest is so tight I could swear that you was strapping me into my chair unable to move. Every inch of my body wants to run out the room. Stand outside, look at the sky and scream. I’m stuck behind a sheet of the thinnest, most delicate glass and I’m afraid to move in case it all shatters around me. You can see my laughing, smirking at all of your comments. You can’t tell that I’m losing my mind can you? I’ve got pretty good at hiding the pain and discomfort. ‘Just shut up’ my brain screams. ‘You need to concentrate’ I whisper to myself’ it’s a constant battle between me and my mind. I am at war with myself. What keeps me sane? What keeps me from losing my mind? Them. The ones that share a smile with me and hold my hand, the ones that hug me and supply me with comfort, the ones that chose to stay and love me. The words that make me laugh till I pee and the hugs that share my pain. The inside jokes and the kindness. The friends that I will always cherish. The chances that I don’t deserve and the forgiveness. The people that heard depression and offered support, the ones that never worried just cherished a broken person. I will be forever grateful to you. Happiness, health and wellbeing is what I pray for in 2019. To new beginnings and living life, for my friends, family and myself that is all I wish. I’m just broken but that’s okay, because through the cracks is where you see the light, tears wash the sadness away, they don’t harness it.
Speaking to a friend the other day made me realise ‘it’s not your fault’. We have so much that goes on in our lives. Influences that we don’t even acknowledge, but still have a major impact on the people we become. Have you ever looked at your life and thought ‘where did it all go wrong?’ I can tell you I’ve done that on countless occasions. The truth is it probably still is, you are still making them same decisions that cause an negative or undesirable outcome. Have you ever had a relationship that you wished and prayed would work out, but the more you tried to make it work the less it seemed to? That’s because everything in your head is telling you that the relationship is doomed and need fixing, instead of looking for all of the positive happy moments, it’s trying to correct all the flaws and faults. Nobody is perfect. No relationship, no person, no job, nothing is perfect. Without flaws we would never appreciate the beauty. Everything in life has a ripple effect. So stop. Stop and think about that decision you are about to make, would you look back in 5 years time and thank yourself? Or will you look back in sorrow or dismay and wish things could have turned out differently. Take time to breath and think; don’t rush.
From under the sheets where I lay and hide, where tears soak my pillow and despair is my friend. I lift my head and I see light again. I hid for a long time behind self pity and all the broken pieces that were scattered behind ever step I took, like a path leading me straight back to the darkness. I held a smile as a false sense of security. If I smile they will believe me. My lies of a beautiful life will not be uncovered and everything in my head will not be projected to the jury. I will only let them judge what I allow to be shown.
You can understand if I tell you a version of myself that I know compliments your weaknesses. You too hide your broken pieces in your pocket, you use them as a tool to keep the darkness from destroying you. They don’t have to see. They don’t have to be there. There job is for you to love them so why can’t you see that? Why do you seek validation? Why do you break promises? And why? Why do you hurt those that are there to help?
Because, because life is easier beneath a blanket, life doesn’t hurt so bad. That pillow that you cry to, it doesn’t have an opinion it can’t tell you what’s right or wrong. It still hurts though right? Being alone. Do you miss the laughter? How about that feeling of watching the sun rise and new beginnings? Does it ever cross your mind that maybe the darkness isn’t a friend or an enemy, it’s a place where all of the bad hides. It is a temporary void until the sun rises again. And a new day brings new opportunities.