Growing up I felt different, like I didn’t belong. I always felt out of place. I craved badly attention and validation from others. I was bullied and I was told I wasn’t good enough. I used to spend my lunch breaks walking around the school playground alone, wishing just one person would be my friend. As I got older my school life got easier and I gained friends, that I still talk to now. But as a child I hated school. I couldn’t wait for the school bell to ring so that I could go home.
When I started secondary school I became friends with a group of girls, that were very bitchy but because I was popular I didn’t care. That’s all I wanted. I just wanted people to like me. They would say mean comments about me and make me feel unwanted, they were just plain nasty, but I continued to speak to them because what other option did I have? I couldn’t bare to be alone again! One day a huge argument broke out and I ended up alone again. With no friends. One girl that I am still best friends with now girl took me under her wing. And we was best friends throughout school. At this time in my life is when I believe I became extremely depressed.
Home life was very hard. I was awful to live with and I would scream and shout and get angry. I would make people hate me. None of my family trusted me. They all believed that I would end up in jail or worse dead. For the majority of my teenage years I was troubled and I would cause havoc in my family. But deep down all I wanted was to be loved. For someone to give me a hug and tell me it would all be okay. One day I can remember sitting in my room and crying and praying for answers. Wishing that I was someone new. That I didn’t exist and that I could just be happy.
Eventually I lifted my head above the clouds and I was part of an amazing friendship group. Who I still talk to now. I was the silly, funny one always trying to make people laugh. But deep down I was still hurting I was still sad and attended therapy throughout my school years to try and unfold the answers that I so desperately needed. Why was I like this?
Into my adult years I met some amazing people and people that I want to spend the rest of my life making memories with. People that have supported me and been there through called off engagements and heartbreaks. To the friends that stuck around through my panic attack and depression I love you so dearly. Each day you look out for me and make everything better.
Over the past 4 years I have suffered from extreme bouts of depression where I was unable to leave the house. Crying for hours upon hours. Questioning my whole life. But I never saw a doctor because I didn’t believe in tablets! I thought it would be a waste of time! But then one day I decided enough was enough I was at rock bottom and I couldn’t see any way out. So I booked my self an appointment and went to the doctors. The tablets have helped me to a point where I’ve been able to see the light again and have a positive, happier mind.
At the moment I am struggling badly with my anxiety and it causes me to take it out on those closest to me. But i will get through this! Anyone can do it. You just have to be strong enough to believe in yourself. The moral of the story is. Life can be rough. My life was filled with love and laughter and people that really did want me around but I was blinkered. I didn’t want to see because anxiety and depression make you think things that aren’t true. They over analyse and they cause you grief. Remember that your anxiety and depression is not you. You are your own person. You have a mind that is so much stronger. You just have to make a stand and remember you are in control of you.