I hate me more than you ever could

I have a kind heart, I would do anything for anyone but I am selfish. I put my feelings above yours because I can’t deal with mine. I expect you to understand me, yet I make no effort to understand you. You tell me your feelings and all I care about is my own. To everyone else I am selfless, to everyone else I give my all. But to you I expect unconditional constant love and gratitude. I expect everything from one person. And for that I hate myself. I look in the mirror and I see a toxic person. But would you believe me if I said I do it because I love you. More than my own life. Would you believe that I am trying to save a relationship and that everything I am doing is with the purest intentions. Would you believe me if I told you that when I shout or argue my main objective is to be happy? I push everyone away. I always have. Im clutching at hope and I pray for you everyday. You know that. I pray for your happiness. I pray for your understanding. I pray for you to be healthy and happy and cared for. I pray that you grow each day into a stronger person. I pray for every part of your pain to go away. I wish I could take it all away. I hate myself for causing you more pain. I really do hate myself.

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