Men ain’t s**t

So this is different from the usual posts. I just feel like I need to address this. How many beautiful women have been hurt, humiliated, lied to, lied about, sexualised?

The world works in a mans favour. There are still men being paid more than women, for the exact same job. There are women that are literally told they have to act/ dress a certain way or they face fatal consequences.

Just a heads up boys we literally birthed you. We carried you in our tummy’s for 9 months, nurturing you, the food we ate grew your body, your mind, your heart. We are the reason you exist. So why do you feel the need to make us feel like we are a second thought, like you have some power over us. We are strong, beautiful, courageous, outstanding women. We are making a stand.

I quit being told I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy of your love, because I wear too much make up, I didn’t shave my legs for a week, I didn’t cook your veg the right way. Do it your self. Get up and make your own sandwich. I’m not your mama. And mamas are not your slaves. Ask your daddy.

Men need to start treating women like they are worthy of love, they are worthy of greatness and that they equally can be as strong. Don’t get me wrong here lads, your not all bad I get that, but stop believing you need to be a certain way in order for people to respect you. Believe me, you treat a woman with respect and that woman will give you everything.

Dear me

Dear me,

You are strong, look how many battles you have faced already. The times you were at rock bottom and you thought it couldn’t get any worse and it did. You made it through that. The times when you wished that life would be over and that the pain and hurt would just go away. The times when you cried yourself to sleep and the days when time ticked by like each second was a hour. You conquered it. You won. Not the darkness. Look at how bright your future is, but don’t focus on the future, don’t wish your life away. Don’t wish at all. Let it happen. Live in the present. You are worthy of everything you desire and you are blessed. Each person in your life is a blessing. Those friends that wiped your tears, and the family that hugged you as you sobbed. They are the true guardian angels in your life.

Dear me I love you

A N X I E T Y

There has always been something that makes me want to keep hold of you that weird feeling of compassion, hate and love all rubbed together to make the deadliest paste; the type that would makes your eyes weep and give you sleepless nights haunting you until you find that inner strength that brings you out of the  darkness. I often dream of the life that I could live without you, a life without the screams in the night, you give me hope and terror for days you keep me in a beautiful nightmare and offer me the worst kind of special days, as I cry in the tub with the ringing of memories shouting in my ears. I imagine how I could run away and start a fresh without you, without your perfect truths and deadly lies.
I remember our first date we were at my house and you took my hand you grabbed me pulled me close and whispered in my ear that you would stay with me forever and keep me safe. I believed you.

The next time I saw you we were visiting friends when you grabbed me and told me we had to go, you didn’t like the honesty that my friends gave me, you felt uncomfortable and scared and ran away I chased you and then we never saw my friends again. We spent endless days inside only seeing my family. We could enjoy ourselves for a few weeks until one day we couldn’t get out of bed we wept and screamed, we hid and ignored the world it was the most intense beautifully confused feeling. I laid there every day until one day I ran away I left you. I saw a friend they hugged me and took me far away, I ran with them for a long time. I kept my feelings for you hidden nobody knew the want, the need to climb back into the bed back with you. I felt you everywhere I went but I knew I could never go back to you, you were my poison, you were deadly, and this had to be the end. I will never forget you.

To you and you.

As I sat and felt the pounding of my heart and the ringing in my ears. Whilst you sit there chit chatting about all of the improvements that you are making to your wonderful life. I’m quietly losing my mind. My breath is quickening because I’m struggling for oxygen, and my chest is so tight I could swear that you was strapping me into my chair unable to move. Every inch of my body wants to run out the room. Stand outside, look at the sky and scream. I’m stuck behind a sheet of the thinnest, most delicate glass and I’m afraid to move in case it all shatters around me. You can see my laughing, smirking at all of your comments. You can’t tell that I’m losing my mind can you? I’ve got pretty good at hiding the pain and discomfort. ‘Just shut up’ my brain screams. ‘You need to concentrate’ I whisper to myself’ it’s a constant battle between me and my mind. I am at war with myself. What keeps me sane? What keeps me from losing my mind? Them. The ones that share a smile with me and hold my hand, the ones that hug me and supply me with comfort, the ones that chose to stay and love me. The words that make me laugh till I pee and the hugs that share my pain. The inside jokes and the kindness. The friends that I will always cherish. The chances that I don’t deserve and the forgiveness. The people that heard depression and offered support, the ones that never worried just cherished a broken person. I will be forever grateful to you. Happiness, health and wellbeing is what I pray for in 2019. To new beginnings and living life, for my friends, family and myself that is all I wish. I’m just broken but that’s okay, because through the cracks is where you see the light, tears wash the sadness away, they don’t harness it.

It’s not your fault

Speaking to a friend the other day made me realise ‘it’s not your fault’. We have so much that goes on in our lives. Influences that we don’t even acknowledge, but still have a major impact on the people we become. Have you ever looked at your life and thought ‘where did it all go wrong?’ I can tell you I’ve done that on countless occasions. The truth is it probably still is, you are still making them same decisions that cause an negative or undesirable outcome. Have you ever had a relationship that you wished and prayed would work out, but the more you tried to make it work the less it seemed to? That’s because everything in your head is telling you that the relationship is doomed and need fixing, instead of looking for all of the positive happy moments, it’s trying to correct all the flaws and faults. Nobody is perfect. No relationship, no person, no job, nothing is perfect. Without flaws we would never appreciate the beauty. Everything in life has a ripple effect. So stop. Stop and think about that decision you are about to make, would you look back in 5 years time and thank yourself? Or will you look back in sorrow or dismay and wish things could have turned out differently. Take time to breath and think; don’t rush.

Coming out of the darkness

From under the sheets where I lay and hide, where tears soak my pillow and despair is my friend. I lift my head and I see light again. I hid for a long time behind self pity and all the broken pieces that were scattered behind ever step I took, like a path leading me straight back to the darkness. I held a smile as a false sense of security. If I smile they will believe me. My lies of a beautiful life will not be uncovered and everything in my head will not be projected to the jury. I will only let them judge what I allow to be shown.

You can understand if I tell you a version of myself that I know compliments your weaknesses. You too hide your broken pieces in your pocket, you use them as a tool to keep the darkness from destroying you. They don’t have to see. They don’t have to be there. There job is for you to love them so why can’t you see that? Why do you seek validation? Why do you break promises? And why? Why do you hurt those that are there to help?

Because, because life is easier beneath a blanket, life doesn’t hurt so bad. That pillow that you cry to, it doesn’t have an opinion it can’t tell you what’s right or wrong. It still hurts though right? Being alone. Do you miss the laughter? How about that feeling of watching the sun rise and new beginnings? Does it ever cross your mind that maybe the darkness isn’t a friend or an enemy, it’s a place where all of the bad hides. It is a temporary void until the sun rises again. And a new day brings new opportunities.

I hugged you. One last good bye as tears streamed down my face. Every word I spoke was from the deepest place I had ever felt. I begged. I silently prayed that you would give me one last chance. But I knew this was the end. I told you all of those feelings. The feelings and words you hadn’t been ready for. But now as you listened I knew you understood. I knew you was doing it to protect me. I know just as much as I didn’t want to lose you. You didn’t want to lose me either. You wanted me. You loved me the same way. Love with us was always easy but also the hardest challenge we have ever faced. Loving you taught me to be selfless and understanding. It taught me a pain I’d never felt before. You was my everything and I knew I was yours. I knew you leaving was the hardest decision you’d ever make. You love me. It was never a lack of love. It was just two broken people trying to pick up the pieces. I’m sorry I was broken. I’m sorry you had to hurt because I could cope. I should have never put my pain onto you. I love you. I have and I always will. Forever till I die. I will always be there. I’m sorry.